The ominous nature of online dating.

Oh the joy of online dating! You've already been through the trials and tribulations of ending a broken relationship and you finally feel strong enough to pursue someone new. Scanning for your perfect partner is not an easy task but it brings joy and excitement to your heart.

Posting your first ad can feel like Christmas!

You have great anticipation about who will arrive in your "inbox stocking," and just the thought makes your heart glow like a fire. You spark happiness when you think about finding a special someone - a Christmas cracker to pull, and call your very own!

You post your ad feeling accomplished and then retire for the night, hoping that the online 'Santa system' will bring you the very best of what's in the sack!

The next morning you awake to find either nothing in your inbox, or an array of messages. This leads you to believe you are either "naughty" or "nice," and immediately online dating starts to interfere with your self-judgment.

Do you ever feel deleted or chucked into spam?

If you're new to the online dating scene, here are some points to consider when attempting to "click" on success.

Gone are the days of simplistic dating. What with self-isolation and social distancing thrust upon us, as well as increased awareness of stranger danger, many people are becoming evermore limited in opportunities to find a potential partner. In the current precarious social climate, the possibilities of finding a date in a cafe or bar, have been significantly reduced...and with diminished recreation services in most communities, more of us than ever are tuning in to online services.

Over the years, dating via the internet has soared in popularity. Matchmaking sites such as Tinder and Plenty of Fish, are now household names. For many people, the shift to online dating has created an exciting platform from which to leap into intriguing late-night conversations, and delve into inboxes flowing with relational opportunities. However, for a majority of men and women, online dating can lead to deep feelings of inadequacy and disappointment...all of which can take a toll on mental health.

Dating on social media can disrupt internal systems of self-esteem, self-worth, and self-confidence, leaving us feeling deleted, recycled or like we've been placed in a junk file.

Similar to the "liking" system of other social media outlets, online dating can lead people to feeling unpopular, inadequate, and unattractive. When a person posts an online dating ad publishing him-, or herself to the world, his or her (human) expectation is that he or she will be noticed and immediately liked by others, but often this is not the case. For so many people, the online dating process can feel like rejection in an already lonely world. This can contribute to feelings of isolation, unworthiness, and lack of positive self-esteem.

Rejection is a powerful moderator of emotional stability, so when an individual experiences rejection it can damage his or her soul in irretrievable ways. Social rejection is particularly powerful and damaging because it isolates human beings from their social grouping. All people need to feel a sense of belonging, therefore when socially rejected, a person can feel highly disconnected from society. To counter such rejection, it's a good idea to empower yourself with resilience by engaging in activities which stimulate self-love, self-worth, self-confidence, and good self-esteem. This could mean taking up a new sport, finding a program of study, or looking for a new job. By changing various aspects of our social, intellectual, and recreational selves, it may lead to more positive feelings of self, all of which may help to counter social rejection online. Further, it may spark the realization that it is not "online love" that is needed, but rather pure and enriching "self-love." Before hitting the internet then, be sure to do some serious soul-searching and ask yourself is it truly a new relationship you desire, or do you long for something different out of life?

Be truthful and solid to yourself and others about what you are looking for.

As with any new life venture, it's important to know what you are wanting and hoping to gain from finding someone on the internet. One of the biggest problems with online dating is that many people join dating sites not really clear about the type of relationship they want. If you're only looking for friendship then be specific to allow others truthful insight about what you are looking for. If you seek long-term relational longevity, then clearly express this so that other people know your expected measure of committment. Surely it defeats the object by posting an ad that says you're looking for a long-term relationship if all you really desire is a casual fling, and worse still - it can leave another heart and soul feeling damaged and broken inside. Being truthful and sensitive to others regarding expectations is an important part of online dating etiquette, and if everyone took this approach, it would help to raise the overall standard of online dating everywhere, so it's wise to get in to this practice from the get go!

Delete your previous relationship first, before you enter a new one.

Some people use online dating as an escape from their current reality. If they're still reeling from a previous relationship and dive into internet dating with the belief that finding someone new will solve all their problems, they may find out that they've overcalculated themselves.

Fully disconnecting from a previous relationship before hitting an online dating site is helpful and likely to boost your chances of relational success. Disconnecting from unwanted thoughts and emotions related to the prior relationship can help you move forward successfully in a new relationship and may prevent you from feeling stuck. It might mean you'll need to seek counselling first and resolve past hurts and trauma, but taking time out to re-balance your emotions, sort out any financial and family issues, and reflecting on or redirecting unhelpful patterns of behaviour will serve you better in the long run. Taking time out following the breakdown of a relationship is a sensible step, and may prevent unhealthy attachments to someone new.

Don't be a shopper; be a stopper.

Online dating can become a "shopping" experience. What this means is that a person may go onto an online dating site and end up meeting someone suitable but believes he or she can meet someone better, so he or she continually keeps searching or "shopping" through profiles.

This can lead to disappointment, confusion, and feelings of great distrust for the suitable person, and may make him or her feel as if he or she has been left on the shelf.

There is no perfect person either online or in real life.

At the end of the day, we are all ordinary human beings, each with our own set of hopes and dreams, traumas and hurt, strengths and deficits, and goals and aspirations. There is no one perfect person, yet online dating can lead us to believe that there is. When we meet someone we have a reasonable connection with, they may not jump out at us and scream perfection, but feeling "comfortable" with a person is a good indicator that you have found a suitable partner. It may be better then, to build something with someone ordinary rather than go "shopping" for perfection that doesn't exist.

The basis of real relationships after all, is that they are ordinary, they are familiar, and they are imperfect. So as you delve through a variety of online personalities, be aware of what feels comfortable, and what doesn't. You may spot a few red flags along the way, and need to adjust your boundaries to shift to a relationship that feels truly happy and secure, but finding someone who clicks with your strengths and weaknesses is a great starting point.

Don't put yourself up for sale. Use your intuition.

Using your intuition can be an effective way of recognizing a good person-to-person connection. Our souls each have a radar that tells us what is healthy and what is unhealthy for us as individuals. This radar is our intuition, and it guides us towards our life choices. Applying intuition in your search for a partner, can be a good indicator of whether or not a person is right for you, and will prevent you from selling your soul and getting hurt in the long run.

Be aware of your own attachment style.

As with all forms of dating, online dating involves an attachment process, and it appears to happen very fast on social networking sites. Attachment refers to the emotional bond between two individuals, and it relates to the way we first attached to our primary caregivers during early childhood. The best form of attachment is secure attachment and it is created when our needs are responded to quickly and accurately by our caregiver, or partner. Having secure attachment makes us feel safe and secure, hence a good relationship is founded when two persons listen well to one another and each person's needs are met equally and accurately. During online dating, it can be very disheartening to form an attachment with someone you like, only to be left in the lurch a few days or weeks later, so be aware of your attachment style, and take things slowly before becoming emotionally entrenched.

Is online dating fact or fantasy?

Sadly, no matter how much you chat to a person online or how many pictures of themselves they post, you never fully receive a full understanding of his or her personality until you've met with him or her in real life. Online dating may hide the idiosyncrasies that we each display as human beings, and which are only truly observed in the flesh. In this context, online dating can be considered a somewhat fantasy arrangement of dating, because it can hide the things you really want to see to determine if someone is a good fit for you. When people draft a profile, they are normally asked to list only the good things about themselves. This really is a false reality because we are all human beings who demonstrate both healthy and unhealthy mechanisms, but the latter are never displayed on our profiles - you have to discover them, which is only truly performed through meeting in person and observing a person's explicit reactions and behaviours.

In an ideal world, online dating would be guided by psychology and not what a person likes doing on weekends. Of course, finding someone with similar interests to yourself is great, but truly understanding how they function during times of conflict and/or crisis, is a better indicator of whether or not you'll be able to create a long term harmonious relationship, and one that can withstand the wraths of life.

Be mindful of scammers and online cheats.

It's so easy to create an online dating profile these days; anyone can do it. However many people are unaware of the numerous scammers and online fraudsters who utilize online dating platforms to rake in victims. Fraudsters know you are there to find love, and will use all sorts of psychological tactics to gesture you and establish emotional attachment before breaking your heart, and your bank account.

Is online dating for fill or just thrill?

While many people sign up on online dating sites to fill their world with a loving relationship, there are individuals who simply enjoy the thrill of chasing, and being chased by others. These personalities may simply be looking for attention that they lack in their daily lives.

Before hitting an online dating site, it's helpful to understand relationship dynamics and how couple-ship formally develops. During the first phase of an intimate relationship, which is the "feel good" honeymoon phase, everything is new, and both individuals feel captivated and excited by one another. This phase also involves the development of strong feelings of warmth and affection, such that the experience may be a thrill for people who have never felt warmth and affection before, or for those whose previous relationship may have lacked these attributes. Good feelings created during the honeymoon phase can become addictive to those that desperately need them, and as such some individuals may develop a pattern of behaviour whereby they continually go online to meet one person after the next, but never truly move out of the honeymoon phase into a well-established relationship. Watch out for men and women who are constantly online, desperately expressing to the world that they are seeking to find everlasting love but who never truly commit to one relationship.

Online dating sites are indeed a great platform for finding and meeting a potential partner, but be prepared for all of the above and more before "clicking on enter" and signing up for a relationship.

We all live in the online world, but it is a parallel existence to the real world. No matter what someone's profile looks like, the best way to gauge who you are really attaching to is to meet that person in the real world.

It's not all spam and junk.

While using dating websites can be a tedious, sometimes overwhelming process, it may seem like the safest way to meet someone, given the current Covid-19 crisis. Online dating also has many success stories. Numerous people find healthy, secure, and long-lasting relationships on the internet; some couples even marry and start a family.

Whatever your "profiled" choice - be it online dating or meeting someone in the real world first, don't lose your ability to press "escape" if you need to. Always remember to "scan for viruses," and "maladaptive software" in the minds and behaviours of those you meet, and "run a system check" first, to ensure you're attaching to a healthy dating experience and a fully functional relational system.

#staysafestayinformed

Comments and feedback cordially welcomed :)